Friday, November 21, 2014
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
SUICIDE
The subject of suicide to me is very near and dear to my family. So many unanswered questions. The woulda, coulda and shoulda's come into play.
I stalked his girlfriend for years!! I slashed all her tires multiple times, vandalized her trailer home and prayed that she would get what's coming to her. She did. She died of cancer a couple of years ago. I was very happy that day!!
This was hard for me.. I need to prayers and sleep time now! Good night!
I lost many people I love in this order:
Damian Edward Flores-2003
Richard Lee LeDesma-2003
Wayne Wilbur Myers-2007
Joseph Zaragoza-2013
Frank Zaragoza-2014
Damian was my first cousin. He was the best cousin to me because we were the closest in age. Inseparable at family parties. He was always fun to be around. He thought I was funny. He had an amazing smile and style! Damian was just a free spirit and it wasn't his time to go!
Damian decided to jump off the Heart of America bridge one late October night. I was with my sick son Lil Ben at Childrens' Mercy Hospital, when my mom called me with the news. He was missing for 2 days, his body washed up in Mexico City, Missouri. I remember going to the river and just yelling his name as loud as I could. I was overwhelmed and stressed with all these life changing events happening to me.
I still really don't know the whole story on how he died, or reasons why he chose to take his life. My family has not been the same since his death. People not talking to people. Grudges still held. Complicatedly weird.
If wanna read his obit and see more of cuz click below:
My Father's death is a story I will get pretty detailed in telling. I was a week into bringing my son home and settling in for the night. My phone rang. It was my dad he was drunk and arguing with his girlfriend. He asked me to come and get him and I wasn't leaving. My son was new to his home. He kept calling and I was trying to calm both him and his girlfriend down. I remember a lot of yelling then I heard, "Your dad has my gun"'. I said, "What" and I said it over and over, and over again. Then I heard the gun shot. I hear his girlfriend say, "You dad shot himself in the head", I yelled call 911 and hung up. I then called the police and told them what had happened, I then called Big Ben and told him to come home immediately and watch the kids my dad was shot. I then called my mom then my sister, I told them to meet me at KU Hospital. I was dressed waiting for Ben then I took off. My mom sisters and I all arrived at the same time. My older sister came the furthest from Independence, Missouri so she musta flew.
His girlfriend was there at the hospital crying. We couldn't even look at her. I saw the ambulance come in with my dad on the gurney. There was so much blood and he was so swollen. They took him to ICU and we waited. I was telling myself he's still breathing he'll be fine. He wasn't. He had no brain activity. My moms family took on the responsibility to call my dad side of the family, I called just one person, my dad little sister Aunt Liz. She called many, many others early that morning. That ICU waiting room was packed with family members as my mom sisters and I decided to take him off life support. We surrounded him him and they disconnected the machine that was breathing for him.
We just cried. I remember leaving his room and just collapsing in the hallway and crying.
Earlier that morning the police came and got my statement and the girlfriends and deemed it a suicide. I felt differently tho. The cops said he put the gun behind his ear and shot himself and that didn't seem right to me. He said nothing to me while we were talking about wanting to kill himself. It's all a memory I choose to forget.
We were planning his 50th birthday that next week.
I think the mix of alcohol and depression is a good "suicide" combo. I believed for years that his girlfriend killed him and I've let that go some, but I just can't accept the fact that my dad might of did this too himself.
It'll be 11 years this year and I miss my father so much. I know my life would of been extremely different he he was still with us. My mom and sister don't really understand the gravity of guilt that I have over this situation. I live with it everyday and I know that's why I liked to numb myself with alcohol and drugs. I am in a better place now trying to forgive myself and I now that God has a plan. Just traumatized by that fucking phone call!!
His girlfriend was there at the hospital crying. We couldn't even look at her. I saw the ambulance come in with my dad on the gurney. There was so much blood and he was so swollen. They took him to ICU and we waited. I was telling myself he's still breathing he'll be fine. He wasn't. He had no brain activity. My moms family took on the responsibility to call my dad side of the family, I called just one person, my dad little sister Aunt Liz. She called many, many others early that morning. That ICU waiting room was packed with family members as my mom sisters and I decided to take him off life support. We surrounded him him and they disconnected the machine that was breathing for him.
We just cried. I remember leaving his room and just collapsing in the hallway and crying.
Earlier that morning the police came and got my statement and the girlfriends and deemed it a suicide. I felt differently tho. The cops said he put the gun behind his ear and shot himself and that didn't seem right to me. He said nothing to me while we were talking about wanting to kill himself. It's all a memory I choose to forget.
We were planning his 50th birthday that next week.
I think the mix of alcohol and depression is a good "suicide" combo. I believed for years that his girlfriend killed him and I've let that go some, but I just can't accept the fact that my dad might of did this too himself.
It'll be 11 years this year and I miss my father so much. I know my life would of been extremely different he he was still with us. My mom and sister don't really understand the gravity of guilt that I have over this situation. I live with it everyday and I know that's why I liked to numb myself with alcohol and drugs. I am in a better place now trying to forgive myself and I now that God has a plan. Just traumatized by that fucking phone call!!
I stalked his girlfriend for years!! I slashed all her tires multiple times, vandalized her trailer home and prayed that she would get what's coming to her. She did. She died of cancer a couple of years ago. I was very happy that day!!
Wayne is my Big Ben's older brother. Wayne was intoxicated one September evening and hit a support beam under a bridge, while driving pretty fast. I believe he was thrown from the car and died instantly. He was in Wichita then. His whole family including Ben and I drove up there. That 4 hour drive was really hard. I just felt so awful for Ben. He was tight with his brother. We were very close and had a great friendship, I was funeral directing then and I took his death as my personal responsibility to Big Ben to give him the best funeral possible!! I did too!
Joe was my dad's best friend and after his passing we became best friends. We were always drinkn together! I was 9 months pregnant and saw him the morning he died. We were best friends till his last breathe. I donated my burial spot to him so he could be next to my dad! They buried him to the minute that I gave birth to my twins!! I knew he was in the ground because the lights flickered in the operating room! Just lettn me know that he was ok! Joe's liver began to fail due to his alcoholism.
Frank was Joe's twin brother. He died one year and one month to the day. He died from alcoholism as well. Aspirated on himself while intoxicated.
If you know someone that is struggling with life. STOP and ask questions and be as supportive as you can Because you never know. You could be saving someones life!!
Feeling sad, depressed, talk to someone, anyone, Message me!! I like to talk or please call 1-800-273-8255
This is a great website:
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Feeling sad, depressed, talk to someone, anyone, Message me!! I like to talk or please call 1-800-273-8255
This is a great website:
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
This was hard for me.. I need to prayers and sleep time now! Good night!
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Nothing exciting today!
I couldn't sleep at all last night.
I did get my meds today. Previously, I was diagnosed as a having major depressive order and anxiety. Today I am just anxiety ridden with a hint of depression. I guess. I think I'm hella depressed tho. So anyways. I got meds! Let's see how I feel in two weeks.
My friend that I made out with Saturday just left. We talked for about 2 hours and as he was leaving I went in for a hug and I think he tried to kiss me! How cute!
Imma smoke a cig and call it a night! I am working on my suicide post for tomorrow. It's a couple days in progress. Lots of pics and stories.
Night!
I did get my meds today. Previously, I was diagnosed as a having major depressive order and anxiety. Today I am just anxiety ridden with a hint of depression. I guess. I think I'm hella depressed tho. So anyways. I got meds! Let's see how I feel in two weeks.
My friend that I made out with Saturday just left. We talked for about 2 hours and as he was leaving I went in for a hug and I think he tried to kiss me! How cute!
Imma smoke a cig and call it a night! I am working on my suicide post for tomorrow. It's a couple days in progress. Lots of pics and stories.
Night!
Monday, September 1, 2014
Nothin Today!
Nothing really exciting today. Except for not having power for like 6 hours!! Tomorrow, I wanna talk about suicide. My Faux brother-n-law dies Sept 7th and It's a good time to share I think.
I have a pretty busy day tomorrow. No probation officer visit just drug class from 9-11 then a Psyche visit!! I'm get medicated!! LEGALLY!!!!
So until tomorrow. Night!!
I have a pretty busy day tomorrow. No probation officer visit just drug class from 9-11 then a Psyche visit!! I'm get medicated!! LEGALLY!!!!
So until tomorrow. Night!!
Sunday, August 31, 2014
Today is my Birthday!
I turned 38 today. I kept it sober too! One of my friends that I have liked for a lot of years came over. We made out!! I have little lovebites on my neck.. hehehe. He makes me happy. I know. I'm not getting into a relationship or nothing just made out. I like kissing someone that knows how to kiss. I haven't had passion in a relationship since Big Ben. So I am happy today.
I had no idea that I was going to be alone on my bday. I was supposed to be celebrating with Justin.. Yes I still think about his Methie dumbass.
Yesterday, Baby Daddy Paco came by and brought me some cigs and we loaded up all the kids and went to the cemetery to see my dad! It's my little tradition I do. I said my prayers and left.
Today My Mom and aunt Jeanette came over and brought me my Birthday Lunch-- I wanted that Pretzel burger from Wendy's it was fire.They brought over a cake and ice cream too. I got emotional because as fucked up as I used to be I don't think I deserve anything!!
My mom and my lil sis bought me a microwave and a pair of earrings and Aunt Jeanette made a half payment on my utility bill!! YEAH!!
I'm going to get in bed with Azalea and watch a movie... Good night!!
I had no idea that I was going to be alone on my bday. I was supposed to be celebrating with Justin.. Yes I still think about his Methie dumbass.
Yesterday, Baby Daddy Paco came by and brought me some cigs and we loaded up all the kids and went to the cemetery to see my dad! It's my little tradition I do. I said my prayers and left.
Today My Mom and aunt Jeanette came over and brought me my Birthday Lunch-- I wanted that Pretzel burger from Wendy's it was fire.They brought over a cake and ice cream too. I got emotional because as fucked up as I used to be I don't think I deserve anything!!
My mom and my lil sis bought me a microwave and a pair of earrings and Aunt Jeanette made a half payment on my utility bill!! YEAH!!
I'm going to get in bed with Azalea and watch a movie... Good night!!
Thursday, August 28, 2014
So I have sunk..
So much has happened this week. God this week needs to end. I just wanna close my eyes and have someone wake me when it's all over! I am so depressed right now. I stop myself from crying because I don't want this kids to see mommy cry.
I got my paternity results back Monday and the twins dad is not Azalea's dad (Paco). I'm hella glad because he doesn't pay his child support and he's seen them maybe 10 times their whole lives even though he lives two blocks over.
I was drinking heavily then and I was two other guys in that two week time frame. I have contacted both possible fathers and have then scheduled for DNA test. The Mexican guy has a great family and he seems sincere about the situation. The White guy (Methie) I so hope its not his.
Methie came to the house today. I was shaking all over and I couldn't speak. I hesitated a couple of minutes before I answered the door. I had Azalea in my arms and I barely cracked the door and he says "Where do I go to get a paternity test done at?" I said these words to him and these word only " I sent the paperwork to your grandma house". I shut the door softly, put the twins in their bed for nap time and went to the kitchen and just cried and cried and cried. I didn't look at him in the face, I couldn't he did look thinner though. I have been asking myself why my body would have that reaction and I only have one answer. I love him still. I know that I shouldn't and that's he awful for what he did to me and my kids. No, I would never take him back but. I love him still, It still hurts alot. I'm not over him. It's been over a month. I'm working on it. I cried all over my hot boxed cigarette. I hate for what he did to me. I hate that he thinks that he can show up unannounced at my house. Luckily, the twins didn't recognize him at all!!
How did Methie know about the paternity results you ask... PACO--see the next, next paragraph down.
So the other guy. I hope it him so much. I never wanted something so bad. if he's the father then I believe all my prayers will be answered. I know it will all work out but it just seems so hopeless right now. I've been through alot worse of emotional times. I'm tired of being strong. I just wanna collapse.
Did I mention that Paco is just telling the world like the dick he is, that he's not the father. Ok asshole, you also need to tell people you haven't paid your child support in 4 months!!
Thw whole Pco/Methie is a whole different issue I might address later!!
I was tellin Big Ben. I just can't have any man around. It's not fair to the other kids since Paco doesn't want to be an active participant in his kids lives. If this Mexican steps up and wants to be active in Azalea's life, I don't know if I'd let him. I'm not goin there right now. We both know if Methie is he isn't going to come around and hurt us again! NOPE!
I'm take a bath and wathc the Chiefs lose!
I got my paternity results back Monday and the twins dad is not Azalea's dad (Paco). I'm hella glad because he doesn't pay his child support and he's seen them maybe 10 times their whole lives even though he lives two blocks over.
I was drinking heavily then and I was two other guys in that two week time frame. I have contacted both possible fathers and have then scheduled for DNA test. The Mexican guy has a great family and he seems sincere about the situation. The White guy (Methie) I so hope its not his.
Methie came to the house today. I was shaking all over and I couldn't speak. I hesitated a couple of minutes before I answered the door. I had Azalea in my arms and I barely cracked the door and he says "Where do I go to get a paternity test done at?" I said these words to him and these word only " I sent the paperwork to your grandma house". I shut the door softly, put the twins in their bed for nap time and went to the kitchen and just cried and cried and cried. I didn't look at him in the face, I couldn't he did look thinner though. I have been asking myself why my body would have that reaction and I only have one answer. I love him still. I know that I shouldn't and that's he awful for what he did to me and my kids. No, I would never take him back but. I love him still, It still hurts alot. I'm not over him. It's been over a month. I'm working on it. I cried all over my hot boxed cigarette. I hate for what he did to me. I hate that he thinks that he can show up unannounced at my house. Luckily, the twins didn't recognize him at all!!
How did Methie know about the paternity results you ask... PACO--see the next, next paragraph down.
So the other guy. I hope it him so much. I never wanted something so bad. if he's the father then I believe all my prayers will be answered. I know it will all work out but it just seems so hopeless right now. I've been through alot worse of emotional times. I'm tired of being strong. I just wanna collapse.
Did I mention that Paco is just telling the world like the dick he is, that he's not the father. Ok asshole, you also need to tell people you haven't paid your child support in 4 months!!
Thw whole Pco/Methie is a whole different issue I might address later!!
I was tellin Big Ben. I just can't have any man around. It's not fair to the other kids since Paco doesn't want to be an active participant in his kids lives. If this Mexican steps up and wants to be active in Azalea's life, I don't know if I'd let him. I'm not goin there right now. We both know if Methie is he isn't going to come around and hurt us again! NOPE!
I'm take a bath and wathc the Chiefs lose!
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Monday, August 25, 2014
Whose the Daddy?
I got my paternity results back from the baby today. The twins dad is not Azalea's dad. I am glad because he is such a deadbeat and true asshole. I cried because I was so sure, I cried because maybe Azalea's real dad might be a true man and help us. That two week window that I got pregnant was crazy. I was drinking pretty heavily. I contacted a potential father today and he said he had a vasectomy four years ago. I don't believe him, he'll be getting papers soon. The other guy, I have no clue where he is at. I'm working on it tho.
I told Azalea today, I might not know who your daddy is but your mommy is the best. She smiled and I hugged her and quietly sobbed for a moment.
It's really hard playing this strong role. I stop myself from crying alot but sometimes, like now, it's my time of the month and i just gotta let it go.
I have been wanting to get into other subjects on the blog. But, I am scared that my emotions will take over and then I'll just be a shell of a woman going through the functions of life and potentially relapse.
I'm gonna go pamper myself. I splurged and bought a $4.00 box of hair dye. My hair is falling out excessively and the darker it is the less noticeable it is!! I'm gonna dye my hair, then I'm gonna snuggle in bed with my Azalea and watch a movie in bed. Yep!! G Night!
I told Azalea today, I might not know who your daddy is but your mommy is the best. She smiled and I hugged her and quietly sobbed for a moment.
It's really hard playing this strong role. I stop myself from crying alot but sometimes, like now, it's my time of the month and i just gotta let it go.
I have been wanting to get into other subjects on the blog. But, I am scared that my emotions will take over and then I'll just be a shell of a woman going through the functions of life and potentially relapse.
I'm gonna go pamper myself. I splurged and bought a $4.00 box of hair dye. My hair is falling out excessively and the darker it is the less noticeable it is!! I'm gonna dye my hair, then I'm gonna snuggle in bed with my Azalea and watch a movie in bed. Yep!! G Night!
Sunday, August 24, 2014
As I Lay Me Down To Sleep
As I lay me down to sleep... The prayers that I remember growing up in a Catholic home. I have recently started to pray alot more lately. I have prayed on and off my whole life but when I have hit the bottom as I have now financially I pray. I pray that I find childcare, employment, and adequate housing to raise my children. I rely soley on my mom right now to pay my bills since the father of all the babies helps me with absolutely nothing.
I saw Justin (Methie) drive by my house today and when big Ben came to pick-up lil Ben he told me that his prostitute mothers car is parked at the dope house. Its a shame. I try and stay busy, but the loneliness creeps in and I just want or crave attention. My birthday is next week and I wonder, does he remember the plans we made, does he even care a shred? How can men be like that? Yes, I am an emotional needy, clingy and woman, but in the same breathe I was also a great homemaker and woman.
I know that no one wants me to get into another relationship anytime soon, but I can't stop thinking about if there really is someone out there for me. Is there a man out there willing to accept all my flaws plus my beautiful children and if there isn't I guess no man is really good enough to have us as his family huh. I tend to think negative then flip to positivity I have to or I'd be laying on the floor crying right now!!
Who know my future. But the uncertainty of if my bills will be paid, or If I have to take my family to a homeless shelter scares me to death. I feel like I can't fix this situation fast enough. I feel hopeless and miserable.
How do people get through life like this? I know that there are people out there in far worse situations. I just need to pray right! Tomorrow is another day and who knows what it'll bring.
I Have a long day tomorrow. I am going tot eh utility company and try and make payment arrangements and apply for ow income housing. My life will get better!!!
I saw Justin (Methie) drive by my house today and when big Ben came to pick-up lil Ben he told me that his prostitute mothers car is parked at the dope house. Its a shame. I try and stay busy, but the loneliness creeps in and I just want or crave attention. My birthday is next week and I wonder, does he remember the plans we made, does he even care a shred? How can men be like that? Yes, I am an emotional needy, clingy and woman, but in the same breathe I was also a great homemaker and woman.
I know that no one wants me to get into another relationship anytime soon, but I can't stop thinking about if there really is someone out there for me. Is there a man out there willing to accept all my flaws plus my beautiful children and if there isn't I guess no man is really good enough to have us as his family huh. I tend to think negative then flip to positivity I have to or I'd be laying on the floor crying right now!!
Who know my future. But the uncertainty of if my bills will be paid, or If I have to take my family to a homeless shelter scares me to death. I feel like I can't fix this situation fast enough. I feel hopeless and miserable.
How do people get through life like this? I know that there are people out there in far worse situations. I just need to pray right! Tomorrow is another day and who knows what it'll bring.
I Have a long day tomorrow. I am going tot eh utility company and try and make payment arrangements and apply for ow income housing. My life will get better!!!
Saturday, August 23, 2014
Its' a Different House
It's a different house when little Ben comes over. It's all about him and he takes total advantage of it. He picks his menu like I am a restaurant for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I know what he likes so like any mother you have it on hand at request. I love that I think, he thinks about what he wants. He walks in the door, takes of his shoes, hides his backpack from the babies and he says, "Mom, I want Italian sausage with penne noodles and a sweet pasta sauce, with garlic breadsticks and milk". For dinner today he requested pot roasted with rice. It's simmering in the crock pot.
The twins love to see Ben. Vincent pulls at his hair and glasses and Belecia just wants to sit on his lap as he plays his Roblox game.
My oldest Marissa used to be jealous when Ben would come over, She would say that I babied him more and let him get away with everything and I do and did. As you may have read in the "Kids" portion of the blog, he was a sick little boy. I am so blessed to have his little bratty self around. He has a big heart and is very caring. He asks many questions and understands alot of my complicated life better than I do sometimes. He a complete ham he makes me laugh and dances so cute.
I am so upset, I got my BPU bill (electric and water). It's $500.00. I am going to have to go up there and beg for payment arrangements. Lord, I need a job!! I'm not going to concentrate on that right now! I'll save that for when I say my prayers tonight and ask for God's help.
I have my one indulgence: my cigarettes. I smoke maybe 3 a day. I'm glad I have these! I don't even have money for them. Ben's dad Ben buys them for me. He knows I'm constantly struggling so he helps me with stuff all the time.
Lil Ben is looking over my shoulder for this computer so I'm gonna give it up! Night! Tomorrow will be Sunday and it will just be me and a house full of babies again. I wanna get into some deep stuff tomorrow!
The twins love to see Ben. Vincent pulls at his hair and glasses and Belecia just wants to sit on his lap as he plays his Roblox game.
My oldest Marissa used to be jealous when Ben would come over, She would say that I babied him more and let him get away with everything and I do and did. As you may have read in the "Kids" portion of the blog, he was a sick little boy. I am so blessed to have his little bratty self around. He has a big heart and is very caring. He asks many questions and understands alot of my complicated life better than I do sometimes. He a complete ham he makes me laugh and dances so cute.
I am so upset, I got my BPU bill (electric and water). It's $500.00. I am going to have to go up there and beg for payment arrangements. Lord, I need a job!! I'm not going to concentrate on that right now! I'll save that for when I say my prayers tonight and ask for God's help.
I have my one indulgence: my cigarettes. I smoke maybe 3 a day. I'm glad I have these! I don't even have money for them. Ben's dad Ben buys them for me. He knows I'm constantly struggling so he helps me with stuff all the time.
Lil Ben is looking over my shoulder for this computer so I'm gonna give it up! Night! Tomorrow will be Sunday and it will just be me and a house full of babies again. I wanna get into some deep stuff tomorrow!
Friday, August 22, 2014
I Got Little Ben for the Weekend!
My post are going to be pretty limited for the next couple of days. My son will come and rule the computer. He's addicted to Pokemon. I make him takes break to eat, bathe and play with babies. A couple of months ago I bought a little bike at the local swap and shop. He won't even ride it around the block.We live across the street from a park and now he's kickn me off.. Till tomorrow~~
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Another day in my depressing life...
I thought long and hard about what I wanted to talk about today and nothing is popping out of me! I let the depression sink in a little more today. I just let the day take its course. I look out the window and cater to the children.
I've been thinking about "relations" lately. I wanna have sex but I don't want all the lovey dovey shit afterwards. FOREAL. Nah I'm talking shit. I know that I am getting older because, I'm just not all about the sex anymore. Not like I was a skinny thing, I never was and never will be. I just had men. They just kind of flocked to me. I don't have those options anymore. Trust me these guys are all scummy. You know the guys, they have no money, no job, no car. Losers. Ugh. I am not taking care of them type of dudes no more. Smoking all my cigarettes! A pack of cigarettes last me two weeks, these dudes smoke my shit up in a day!! Fuck that!! Okay okay-- I had a few good ones in that mix. Oh Yeah I did! But I'm so over all that right now.
Remember I am trying to do right by me and my kids. No Men Allowed!
I applied for a job today. I am extremely qualified. But I am a felon. I cannot drive until 2016. I don't have childcare. I made all these jacked up decision and have made my life extremely hard. BUS- BUS- BUS
I just pray and know that God's plan will be laid out before me and it will all make sense! And the clouds parted and the Angels sang...YEP YEP. That's what I believe.
The roaches are getting bad in the kitchen. I am going to have to move soon. I am looking into low income housing on the bus line! Lord, Lord. It's so hard being a single mother with no money. Lord, Lord thank you for my mother to help me out! Lord, Lord!
I have out multiple things on craigslist to sell for extra funds, No one has commented or wants my lil junk damn it. I want to at least come up with $60.00 dollars for my gas bill!
I am on color code. I have to call a phone number Monday thru Thursday and if they say my color I have to drop a drug test. I have been sober a year on August 31st. Last August I got drunk and smoked a couple of blunts! This birthday will be a sober one. I am excited for it because if I haven't relapsed yet because of stupid Methie then, I can really uphold my no alcohol and drugs sobriety. Go Diane! Go Diane! I am really proud of myself and I don't need recognition from my family I want it but I don't get it!!
Okay I'm super sleepy, Night~
I've been thinking about "relations" lately. I wanna have sex but I don't want all the lovey dovey shit afterwards. FOREAL. Nah I'm talking shit. I know that I am getting older because, I'm just not all about the sex anymore. Not like I was a skinny thing, I never was and never will be. I just had men. They just kind of flocked to me. I don't have those options anymore. Trust me these guys are all scummy. You know the guys, they have no money, no job, no car. Losers. Ugh. I am not taking care of them type of dudes no more. Smoking all my cigarettes! A pack of cigarettes last me two weeks, these dudes smoke my shit up in a day!! Fuck that!! Okay okay-- I had a few good ones in that mix. Oh Yeah I did! But I'm so over all that right now.
Remember I am trying to do right by me and my kids. No Men Allowed!
I applied for a job today. I am extremely qualified. But I am a felon. I cannot drive until 2016. I don't have childcare. I made all these jacked up decision and have made my life extremely hard. BUS- BUS- BUS
I just pray and know that God's plan will be laid out before me and it will all make sense! And the clouds parted and the Angels sang...YEP YEP. That's what I believe.
The roaches are getting bad in the kitchen. I am going to have to move soon. I am looking into low income housing on the bus line! Lord, Lord. It's so hard being a single mother with no money. Lord, Lord thank you for my mother to help me out! Lord, Lord!
I have out multiple things on craigslist to sell for extra funds, No one has commented or wants my lil junk damn it. I want to at least come up with $60.00 dollars for my gas bill!
I am on color code. I have to call a phone number Monday thru Thursday and if they say my color I have to drop a drug test. I have been sober a year on August 31st. Last August I got drunk and smoked a couple of blunts! This birthday will be a sober one. I am excited for it because if I haven't relapsed yet because of stupid Methie then, I can really uphold my no alcohol and drugs sobriety. Go Diane! Go Diane! I am really proud of myself and I don't need recognition from my family I want it but I don't get it!!
Okay I'm super sleepy, Night~
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Today was an emotional day for me! What else is new!
I woke up this morning laughing and crying at the same time. The pain and the grief. The loss of finally feeling that love again, all gone in a matter of hours. All that build-up all the compromise, and struggles.
In July of 2013, I met Justin as I smoked a cigarette on my back porch as the twins were sleeping. We had an instant connection. He was 16 year younger than me but he was very mature for his age. He just got out a jail 2 weeks before I met him. I don't judge people I get to know them, then I make my decisions based on their actions.
He lived five blocks over from me and stopped by to visit quite often. After months of endless visits, he started to spend the night, he was fixing stuff around the house, mowing the lawn, and playing with the 8 month old babies at that time. He was becoming valuable to me and my life.
One day his prostitute mother comes by with some of his clothes, then more the next day, I said "Justin, did you just move in?" He said I think I am and or I did, at this point we wasn't even going home anyway.
August- I found out I was pregnant. I told Justin that the father was Paco's (the twins' dad). He said ok. He stayed. He was a complete asset throughout my whole pregnancy. Not only was I falling in love with him all the kids adored him. My oldest Marissa said "Mom, he doesn't yell at you, and he doesn't even hit you". My son Ben said, "Mom, he likes Pokemon, keep him ". The twins adored their DaDa.
He really didn't work that much at the beginning. He really only started working the last 5 months of our relationship.
I was 6 months pregnant when I found a meth pipe. I knew he was a former smoker but promised me he'd never touch it again. I cried and he left for work. That morning he came home and was extremely apologetic and again promised to never touch it again. I forgave him. We all make mistakes. Anyways, I was his family, we were all he really had.
I gave birth to Azalea about 3 months later and he was so good to me. Never left my side the whole time I was in the hospital and he held Azalea like it was his little girl (I'm tearing up right now).
Azalea was 3 months old and he was having a stressful times in his life. He younger brother was doing meth hardcore, he found out his prostitute mom was shooting heroin and his grandmother needed help with her bills and he was feeling overwhelmed. I could see it building up in him. He didn't want to talk about it tho.
I tried I am the most positive and supportive person. I told him we'd figure it out. We can only help those who want it and Grandma needs it the most. Can't really help the dopeheads.
Well it was a Wednesday and he was home early from work and was sipping on a bottle of gin and he got on the bed and began watching Netflix with me. I happen to look over and his pupils were so dilated. I said, "Justin, the eyes don't lie". I got up, grabbed a pillow and sheet and went to sleep on the couch.
I laid there hurt. I lit a cigarette and he followed to also smoke a cigarette. After many minutes of silence he says, "Diane I smoked meth and took some Triple C's". My mind rolodexed back 6 years ago when I was in a relationship with a man who at the end of our rocky 5 years started doing meth. I told myself never again will I let that drug near me or my children and here I was. Why? So I flipped. I said I can't have you around me or my children in my house, leave.
He took off walking to the dopeman's house 2 blocks over. I couldn't sleep and texted him all night till morning with no response. He shows up at the house around 10 a.m. and calls the police on me for pulling his shirt. I just wanted to talk. I went to jail.
I'm in jail. I have to do 6 hours. Pssshhh. That's nothin. The 2nd hour into it the deputies call me over and tell me that my kids are in protective custody who do I need to call. I have them call my mom. Okay, so now the 4 hours I have left are dragging. My kids... how could he do that... Azalea's a breast fed baby... are the twins hungry...they don't like stranger's. I am royally upset. This is an unforgettable act. I was more than likely gonna forgive him for the drugs. Not now nope. un-uhh.
I got out and my mom and babies were waiting for me and all I could do was cry. I said mom, "I didn't do anything this time", I couldn't go home for 72 hours and have no contact with Justin, My mom wasn't having that. That was my house, all my belongings and the babies home. My mom, my step-father, my aunt and my cousin converged on my house and urged him to leave, get his things and just leave. He did. He couldn't even look at me. The twins were yelling Dada from the car- he didn't even flinch their way.
I found out after he left- He didn't pay my rent for the past two months or the any of the utilities. I think he was planning this.. I don't know. I know he's hungry and has to feel bad.. I mean he walked out on his family of a year.
So this was all a month ago today.
We had court today. I don't know if he showed up or not. I told an awesome lawyer my story as I have told you and he took it for free. He continued it for next month. I woke up laughing at him at the thought that he might be at 8 am court looking for my beautiful, best-thing-he-ever-had-self. The the tears came cause I can't believe people do this to people.
So it's been an emotional day for me. I truly believe that things could of went off worse. He could of hurt me or the kids and he could stole what little things I have.
I was upset and still am about the whole situation but I also know that God puts people in your life when you need them and God says It was time to let him go and I am just wise enough know to have made that decision and say bye bye to METHIE!!
I feel good.. How do you feel today???
Lesson Learned: Have you own money pay your own bills and stop relying on other people for financial and emotional support!!
This was us:
In July of 2013, I met Justin as I smoked a cigarette on my back porch as the twins were sleeping. We had an instant connection. He was 16 year younger than me but he was very mature for his age. He just got out a jail 2 weeks before I met him. I don't judge people I get to know them, then I make my decisions based on their actions.
He lived five blocks over from me and stopped by to visit quite often. After months of endless visits, he started to spend the night, he was fixing stuff around the house, mowing the lawn, and playing with the 8 month old babies at that time. He was becoming valuable to me and my life.
One day his prostitute mother comes by with some of his clothes, then more the next day, I said "Justin, did you just move in?" He said I think I am and or I did, at this point we wasn't even going home anyway.
August- I found out I was pregnant. I told Justin that the father was Paco's (the twins' dad). He said ok. He stayed. He was a complete asset throughout my whole pregnancy. Not only was I falling in love with him all the kids adored him. My oldest Marissa said "Mom, he doesn't yell at you, and he doesn't even hit you". My son Ben said, "Mom, he likes Pokemon, keep him ". The twins adored their DaDa.
He really didn't work that much at the beginning. He really only started working the last 5 months of our relationship.
I was 6 months pregnant when I found a meth pipe. I knew he was a former smoker but promised me he'd never touch it again. I cried and he left for work. That morning he came home and was extremely apologetic and again promised to never touch it again. I forgave him. We all make mistakes. Anyways, I was his family, we were all he really had.
I gave birth to Azalea about 3 months later and he was so good to me. Never left my side the whole time I was in the hospital and he held Azalea like it was his little girl (I'm tearing up right now).
Azalea was 3 months old and he was having a stressful times in his life. He younger brother was doing meth hardcore, he found out his prostitute mom was shooting heroin and his grandmother needed help with her bills and he was feeling overwhelmed. I could see it building up in him. He didn't want to talk about it tho.
I tried I am the most positive and supportive person. I told him we'd figure it out. We can only help those who want it and Grandma needs it the most. Can't really help the dopeheads.
Well it was a Wednesday and he was home early from work and was sipping on a bottle of gin and he got on the bed and began watching Netflix with me. I happen to look over and his pupils were so dilated. I said, "Justin, the eyes don't lie". I got up, grabbed a pillow and sheet and went to sleep on the couch.
I laid there hurt. I lit a cigarette and he followed to also smoke a cigarette. After many minutes of silence he says, "Diane I smoked meth and took some Triple C's". My mind rolodexed back 6 years ago when I was in a relationship with a man who at the end of our rocky 5 years started doing meth. I told myself never again will I let that drug near me or my children and here I was. Why? So I flipped. I said I can't have you around me or my children in my house, leave.
He took off walking to the dopeman's house 2 blocks over. I couldn't sleep and texted him all night till morning with no response. He shows up at the house around 10 a.m. and calls the police on me for pulling his shirt. I just wanted to talk. I went to jail.
I'm in jail. I have to do 6 hours. Pssshhh. That's nothin. The 2nd hour into it the deputies call me over and tell me that my kids are in protective custody who do I need to call. I have them call my mom. Okay, so now the 4 hours I have left are dragging. My kids... how could he do that... Azalea's a breast fed baby... are the twins hungry...they don't like stranger's. I am royally upset. This is an unforgettable act. I was more than likely gonna forgive him for the drugs. Not now nope. un-uhh.
I got out and my mom and babies were waiting for me and all I could do was cry. I said mom, "I didn't do anything this time", I couldn't go home for 72 hours and have no contact with Justin, My mom wasn't having that. That was my house, all my belongings and the babies home. My mom, my step-father, my aunt and my cousin converged on my house and urged him to leave, get his things and just leave. He did. He couldn't even look at me. The twins were yelling Dada from the car- he didn't even flinch their way.
I found out after he left- He didn't pay my rent for the past two months or the any of the utilities. I think he was planning this.. I don't know. I know he's hungry and has to feel bad.. I mean he walked out on his family of a year.
So this was all a month ago today.
We had court today. I don't know if he showed up or not. I told an awesome lawyer my story as I have told you and he took it for free. He continued it for next month. I woke up laughing at him at the thought that he might be at 8 am court looking for my beautiful, best-thing-he-ever-had-self. The the tears came cause I can't believe people do this to people.
So it's been an emotional day for me. I truly believe that things could of went off worse. He could of hurt me or the kids and he could stole what little things I have.
I was upset and still am about the whole situation but I also know that God puts people in your life when you need them and God says It was time to let him go and I am just wise enough know to have made that decision and say bye bye to METHIE!!
I feel good.. How do you feel today???
Lesson Learned: Have you own money pay your own bills and stop relying on other people for financial and emotional support!!
This was us:
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Making It Better Slowly
Today I have made giant steps in this huge world. I saw my probation officer at 7:30 a.m. which consists of a group effort. My mom drives for an hour and a half and drops off my little sister patty at 6 a.m. at my house. I myself have been up since 5:00 am - preparing breakfast, lunch and snacks for the day, and pack accordingly for myself for the day. I catch the 6:45 am bus.I ride it for 30 minutes to my destination, downtown Kansas City, Kansas. In a car it would of been a 10 minute ride.
I tell my probation officer that I see three times a month. "No I haven't finished my community service, no I haven't paid any money on my fines". ... depressing ....I leave.
I walk one block over and talk to my child support people. I haven't had a payment in over 3 months from the father of the three youngest babies. All together "Deadbeat" . Like I don't have bills to pay and mega diapers to buy. I wait for 45 minutes and no one is in yet to speak to me.. It's 8:45 a.m. I leave.
I walk back one block to the building I just left and attend drug counseling class. I have been attending since January. I have been sober from alcohol and Marijuana for 1 year coming up on the 31st of August! They usually last a little less than 2 hours. We talked about love addiction today- bad relationships. It was quite pertinent to my life and the lives of others in my class. I left feeling more confident in myself and in my decision in ending my last relationship (GAWD I loved him). Asshole.Methead MF.. Okay anyways... It's 10:45 a.m. I leave.
I walk I block down to the health department because I'm thinking about having sex one day again and I need protection. I get my lil goodie bag of condoms and my bus is coming I'm running. It's 11:15 a.m. It's been a while since I have had some good relations!
I'm on the bus again I am headed to talk to a nun about my overwhelming problems. We talked for an hour and I brought up alot of things. I made a list of my problems in priority order: 1) Housing, 2) Childcare, 3) Employment, 4) Transportation, and 5) Depression and anxiety.We also covered my childhood issues that I have brought into adulthood and I felt immensely better feeling validated and empowered. It's 1:15 p.m. I leave.
I'm running again..Man It's hot,, I gotta catch the 1:30 pm bus.. I missed it. I chilled, relaxed, and got me a Diet Coke and some Munchies and waited 30 minutes for the next bus.
I'm off the bus and I'm walking to get to my last appointment. What... Excuse me... You can't find my name.. I don't have an appointment. I sat down as they tried to figure out their error. My appointment was scheduled for 3:00 p.m. It's 3:15 p.m. I got up and said. "Ok, If you can't get me in, I'm leaving I got buses to catch to get back home to my babies!". I'm in. I'm doing an intake interview to get medication. I feel the depression and anxiety levels in my life has risen immensely. I need help. I'm done. I go back and talk to a doctor next Tuesday! YEAH! It's 3:45. p.m. I leave.
Yes, I am running again, mind you I am perfectly chubby, and it's hot...OMG. I made it. Luckily it was all downhill. I pop open my Diet Coke take a sip and look up and BAM the bus has arrived! It's 3:55. p.m. I'm rolling. Someone stinks, I am breathing through my mouth. WHY ME???
I am looking at the clock on the bus. This bus can't be late not even by a minute. I have another bus to catch to get home. We were on time and I am 30 minutes away from being home. I am tired my feetsies hurt and I shouldn't of worn black and carried a black purse- that sun hella reflected on me. But I could use a little sun since I am a hermit chick! It's 5:00 p.m. I can see my house. I walk up to the picture window and there they are. The reason I breathe and do the bus shuffle.
The twins ignored me for the first couple of minutes, they get mad at me when I leave. The baby, she just smiles constantly anyway. I miss my babies so much when I am gone. Bad.
I accomplished alot and I feel good about myself today! Tomorrow-I have court but I don't have to go because my lawyer pushed it back a month, but Asshole, Methie, MF is gonna be up at 8 a.m. looking for me in court. HAHAHA--This is whole different story I'll divulge into later,/ I'm still pretty emotional about the situation. (I'm Still CUSSING HIM OUT) nfgkrjtjerlfjsljfglsjfjsdjfsdjfjksdkf;sdkfsdkfsdlflshflshdlfhsdhflsd.
He hurt me pretty bad. Unforgivable. Ok I'm over it.
I'm exhausted. Imma take a nice bath and get to bed!! Till tomorrow friends!!
I tell my probation officer that I see three times a month. "No I haven't finished my community service, no I haven't paid any money on my fines". ... depressing ....I leave.
I walk one block over and talk to my child support people. I haven't had a payment in over 3 months from the father of the three youngest babies. All together "Deadbeat" . Like I don't have bills to pay and mega diapers to buy. I wait for 45 minutes and no one is in yet to speak to me.. It's 8:45 a.m. I leave.
I walk back one block to the building I just left and attend drug counseling class. I have been attending since January. I have been sober from alcohol and Marijuana for 1 year coming up on the 31st of August! They usually last a little less than 2 hours. We talked about love addiction today- bad relationships. It was quite pertinent to my life and the lives of others in my class. I left feeling more confident in myself and in my decision in ending my last relationship (GAWD I loved him). Asshole.Methead MF.. Okay anyways... It's 10:45 a.m. I leave.
I walk I block down to the health department because I'm thinking about having sex one day again and I need protection. I get my lil goodie bag of condoms and my bus is coming I'm running. It's 11:15 a.m. It's been a while since I have had some good relations!
I'm on the bus again I am headed to talk to a nun about my overwhelming problems. We talked for an hour and I brought up alot of things. I made a list of my problems in priority order: 1) Housing, 2) Childcare, 3) Employment, 4) Transportation, and 5) Depression and anxiety.We also covered my childhood issues that I have brought into adulthood and I felt immensely better feeling validated and empowered. It's 1:15 p.m. I leave.
I'm running again..Man It's hot,, I gotta catch the 1:30 pm bus.. I missed it. I chilled, relaxed, and got me a Diet Coke and some Munchies and waited 30 minutes for the next bus.
I'm off the bus and I'm walking to get to my last appointment. What... Excuse me... You can't find my name.. I don't have an appointment. I sat down as they tried to figure out their error. My appointment was scheduled for 3:00 p.m. It's 3:15 p.m. I got up and said. "Ok, If you can't get me in, I'm leaving I got buses to catch to get back home to my babies!". I'm in. I'm doing an intake interview to get medication. I feel the depression and anxiety levels in my life has risen immensely. I need help. I'm done. I go back and talk to a doctor next Tuesday! YEAH! It's 3:45. p.m. I leave.
Yes, I am running again, mind you I am perfectly chubby, and it's hot...OMG. I made it. Luckily it was all downhill. I pop open my Diet Coke take a sip and look up and BAM the bus has arrived! It's 3:55. p.m. I'm rolling. Someone stinks, I am breathing through my mouth. WHY ME???
I am looking at the clock on the bus. This bus can't be late not even by a minute. I have another bus to catch to get home. We were on time and I am 30 minutes away from being home. I am tired my feetsies hurt and I shouldn't of worn black and carried a black purse- that sun hella reflected on me. But I could use a little sun since I am a hermit chick! It's 5:00 p.m. I can see my house. I walk up to the picture window and there they are. The reason I breathe and do the bus shuffle.
The twins ignored me for the first couple of minutes, they get mad at me when I leave. The baby, she just smiles constantly anyway. I miss my babies so much when I am gone. Bad.
I accomplished alot and I feel good about myself today! Tomorrow-I have court but I don't have to go because my lawyer pushed it back a month, but Asshole, Methie, MF is gonna be up at 8 a.m. looking for me in court. HAHAHA--This is whole different story I'll divulge into later,/ I'm still pretty emotional about the situation. (I'm Still CUSSING HIM OUT) nfgkrjtjerlfjsljfglsjfjsdjfsdjfjksdkf;sdkfsdkfsdlflshflshdlfhsdhflsd.
He hurt me pretty bad. Unforgivable. Ok I'm over it.
I'm exhausted. Imma take a nice bath and get to bed!! Till tomorrow friends!!
Monday, August 18, 2014
*What Makes Me Smile*
The day I turned 18, I moved out. I had already held a job for a year while attending high school. I had an apartment 3 blocks over 10 blocks down from my parents house. I had my own car and now my freedom.
The summer after graduation, I was rolling down the street in my 1991 white Geo Tracker with my girlfriends when we saw some boys walking. We immediately recognized them from school and we talked and all made plans to meet up later that night. I reconnected with my friend Ben. He was 5 foot, half Asian and German with brown fuzzy hair and freckles!! Ben and I were inseparable-the best-est of friends, we'd talk well into the night about whatever popped in our heads, the comfort level was just settling to my soul. As I said previously in my other post, I didn't know who I was. I was "Weird". He made me feel like a person that was funny and beautiful and most importantly loved. A deep love that still to this day makes me get goose bumps, then one night it all changed. He kissed me, he kissed me and didn't stop. I can still feel those big dry lips If I think hard enough! He moved in with me and on February 14, 1995, we conceived Marissa. That was it, we settled down worked and I enrolled in college. My pregnancy changed our lives in so many ways. I wanted to be an educated mother and give my daughter a stable, non-dysfunctional home. He wanted the same because his home life wasn't the best either.
Life was good. I got a great job he did too, and we bought a house and we were in love. Happiest times of my life. You know it's so good that you are so scared something bad is going to happen and it never did! To fall in love with your best friend is the foundation of a great relationship.
2003-I got pregnant with our son Ben and was planning our wedding. I couldn't see myself with another man and we've created two amazing kids together, I finally had the family and life I craved as a kid.
My father died 3 months after my son was born and it was the the saddest day of my life ( I'll touch on this more when I cover the "Suicide" post). Not only was I a new mother I had lost my father to a tragic event and I died that day with my dad! I died- I gave up- I didn't communicate with Ben anymore- I camped out at the cemetery, I went to counseling I started drinking, heavily. After that nothing else mattered to me I was such a selfish person then. He stood by me.
In 2006-We lost his brother and then he lost it. I was still in a daze doing life functions and mentally gone. I was no help. I loved his brother very much as well we were alot closer than people may have realized. He was my sounding board.
Five years has passed since my father's death and we were living together as roomates. He slept on the couch and I slept in our bedroom. Things were bad. I felt neglected on so many levels. I soon cheated on him, moved out and the rest is still a love story...
I call him or vice-versa everyday! He checks on me. We still talk about anything and everything- Mostly about how I fucked up again and how its all my fault and how I am I going to fix it. He's engaged and has been living with another woman for the past 6 years. I on the other had have been in one bad relationship after another. But that one thing-that still remains constant is us. Always listens and always helpful. Still my Best Friend and Love of My LIFE. I'll be okay if love doesn't find me again-- at least I could say for those brief 11 years I had. He's what makes me Smile!
Ben and I in 1996:
Ben and I in 2014:
The summer after graduation, I was rolling down the street in my 1991 white Geo Tracker with my girlfriends when we saw some boys walking. We immediately recognized them from school and we talked and all made plans to meet up later that night. I reconnected with my friend Ben. He was 5 foot, half Asian and German with brown fuzzy hair and freckles!! Ben and I were inseparable-the best-est of friends, we'd talk well into the night about whatever popped in our heads, the comfort level was just settling to my soul. As I said previously in my other post, I didn't know who I was. I was "Weird". He made me feel like a person that was funny and beautiful and most importantly loved. A deep love that still to this day makes me get goose bumps, then one night it all changed. He kissed me, he kissed me and didn't stop. I can still feel those big dry lips If I think hard enough! He moved in with me and on February 14, 1995, we conceived Marissa. That was it, we settled down worked and I enrolled in college. My pregnancy changed our lives in so many ways. I wanted to be an educated mother and give my daughter a stable, non-dysfunctional home. He wanted the same because his home life wasn't the best either.
Life was good. I got a great job he did too, and we bought a house and we were in love. Happiest times of my life. You know it's so good that you are so scared something bad is going to happen and it never did! To fall in love with your best friend is the foundation of a great relationship.
2003-I got pregnant with our son Ben and was planning our wedding. I couldn't see myself with another man and we've created two amazing kids together, I finally had the family and life I craved as a kid.
My father died 3 months after my son was born and it was the the saddest day of my life ( I'll touch on this more when I cover the "Suicide" post). Not only was I a new mother I had lost my father to a tragic event and I died that day with my dad! I died- I gave up- I didn't communicate with Ben anymore- I camped out at the cemetery, I went to counseling I started drinking, heavily. After that nothing else mattered to me I was such a selfish person then. He stood by me.
In 2006-We lost his brother and then he lost it. I was still in a daze doing life functions and mentally gone. I was no help. I loved his brother very much as well we were alot closer than people may have realized. He was my sounding board.
Five years has passed since my father's death and we were living together as roomates. He slept on the couch and I slept in our bedroom. Things were bad. I felt neglected on so many levels. I soon cheated on him, moved out and the rest is still a love story...
I call him or vice-versa everyday! He checks on me. We still talk about anything and everything- Mostly about how I fucked up again and how its all my fault and how I am I going to fix it. He's engaged and has been living with another woman for the past 6 years. I on the other had have been in one bad relationship after another. But that one thing-that still remains constant is us. Always listens and always helpful. Still my Best Friend and Love of My LIFE. I'll be okay if love doesn't find me again-- at least I could say for those brief 11 years I had. He's what makes me Smile!
Ben and I in 1996:
Saturday, August 16, 2014
My Family
As I have sat back and reflected on my life. I have a very fuzzy memory. I don't really know why. I think that I choose to remember things then I choose not too. Maybe this is for my own protection. My earliest memory- is my evil daycare provider so age 4. I can also remember my Kindergarten teachers' name. Home life wasn't normal by any means. It looked pretty on the outside. I am the middle daughter, I have an older sister and a younger sister. My parents divorced when I was in my 30's. I always felt different- I was an overweight kid in a catholic school. Even in high school I couldn't find my "Group" to fit in!!
My Mom- My mother was the oldest of a younger brother and sister. She grew up in a pretty strict environment. My grandfather liked to drink. My grandmother was a homemaker. My mom doesn't really talk about her home life-- I know she was beatin alot by my grandmother tho. She just recently told me that my grandmother didn't want to have kids and she felt like her mother despised her existence.
My Dad- My father was the oldest of his family he had a younger brother and sister. His mom was the oldest of their family. She took care of her 12 brothers and sisters and they all lived in a two bedroom shack with outdoor plumbing here in Kansas. My fathers grandparents died young. My father was extremely fond of his mother and when she died his world shattered--according to my mother. My father's side drank alot. I thought it was normal for a kid like me to be the beer-maid at age 5. I would pick up the empty beer cans and refresh them with new beers. This is my first drink, If I remember correctly drinking the left over backwash!
My Sisters-My older sister Theresa was 3 years older than me and a kiss-ass (still is). One of the fakest person you would ever know- You've met this person before: extreme make-up and an over the top personality. FAKE!! I'm mad at her as you might be able to tell. When we were growing up she calmed me when our parents were fighting, she sang me to sleep at night, she reassured me that everything was going to be ok!! She got married when I was 18. The week before her marriage I ditched town and vacationed in South Padre Island! I came back tan and tattooed with a pet tarantula. I was furious that she fell in love and wanted to leave me and get married!! She promised night after night, that she would always be here for me and now she is leaving. Yeah I know I'm almost 40 I should be over it.. I kinda am.. She is still married and has 2 awesome sons!! I love her dearly tho. Lot of memories of me terrorizing her! Lots...
My younger sister Patricia was all mine. She's 9 years younger than me. It was my turn now to step up and protect her from "hearing" all the bad stuff. My lil sister really didn't talk till she was around 5. We later found out that she is mildly retarded. You couldn't tell by her looks or her conversation. She was my world and still is actually. I want to keep her locked away and protect for the evils in this world that prey on people like her. Don't get it confused I did my share of hiding her favorite doll till she cried and ignoring her.. I was still a kid myself!! I am so grateful for her. The babies adore her!!! She watches the kids when I have things to do!
I must go!!! Tomorrow I don't know what I'll talk about... Maybe where my life went all downhill.. no lets start off positive and I'll talk on how it all went uphill!!! Thanks for letting me express!!
My Mom- My mother was the oldest of a younger brother and sister. She grew up in a pretty strict environment. My grandfather liked to drink. My grandmother was a homemaker. My mom doesn't really talk about her home life-- I know she was beatin alot by my grandmother tho. She just recently told me that my grandmother didn't want to have kids and she felt like her mother despised her existence.
My Dad- My father was the oldest of his family he had a younger brother and sister. His mom was the oldest of their family. She took care of her 12 brothers and sisters and they all lived in a two bedroom shack with outdoor plumbing here in Kansas. My fathers grandparents died young. My father was extremely fond of his mother and when she died his world shattered--according to my mother. My father's side drank alot. I thought it was normal for a kid like me to be the beer-maid at age 5. I would pick up the empty beer cans and refresh them with new beers. This is my first drink, If I remember correctly drinking the left over backwash!
My Sisters-My older sister Theresa was 3 years older than me and a kiss-ass (still is). One of the fakest person you would ever know- You've met this person before: extreme make-up and an over the top personality. FAKE!! I'm mad at her as you might be able to tell. When we were growing up she calmed me when our parents were fighting, she sang me to sleep at night, she reassured me that everything was going to be ok!! She got married when I was 18. The week before her marriage I ditched town and vacationed in South Padre Island! I came back tan and tattooed with a pet tarantula. I was furious that she fell in love and wanted to leave me and get married!! She promised night after night, that she would always be here for me and now she is leaving. Yeah I know I'm almost 40 I should be over it.. I kinda am.. She is still married and has 2 awesome sons!! I love her dearly tho. Lot of memories of me terrorizing her! Lots...
My younger sister Patricia was all mine. She's 9 years younger than me. It was my turn now to step up and protect her from "hearing" all the bad stuff. My lil sister really didn't talk till she was around 5. We later found out that she is mildly retarded. You couldn't tell by her looks or her conversation. She was my world and still is actually. I want to keep her locked away and protect for the evils in this world that prey on people like her. Don't get it confused I did my share of hiding her favorite doll till she cried and ignoring her.. I was still a kid myself!! I am so grateful for her. The babies adore her!!! She watches the kids when I have things to do!
I must go!!! Tomorrow I don't know what I'll talk about... Maybe where my life went all downhill.. no lets start off positive and I'll talk on how it all went uphill!!! Thanks for letting me express!!
Friday, August 15, 2014
The REASONS I Live and Breathe
1996-I had my 1st daughter Marissa at 19. Simpy beautiful, my grandmother said she was Snow White. Light skin, red lips and cold black hair. My Mexiasian. She inspired me to go enroll in college and "Be Somebody".
2003-My son followed 7 years later, he who was born with diaphragmatic hernia (a congenital birth defect) http://www.cherubs-cdh.org/. My mom says he was born that way because I was morbidly obese when I gave birth. Okay I know you wanna know-- I was 320 lbs at that point-- My highest was 350lbs, My son was given a 20% chance of survival. My little Ben- As I reflect I honestly have never felt so much internal pain in my life-- my heart was just full of throbbing pain, it was to much to even breathe. The tears-- oh the tears. I tried to live at Childrens' Mercy Hospital, www.childrensmercy.org but I had Marissa to take care of too! It was hard. Any mom familiar with the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) knows the pain!!
2011-I was done- I was super chubby and done. NOPE God had other plans! I had twins 9 years later! Belecia and Vincent (AKA Belle and Pappas). Talk about a surprise! I had Gastric Bypass Surgery in 2008. YEAH. I had lost nearly 100 lbs and I bled for 2 years straight I had huge fibroid tumors and I knew I was closed for business. They warned me--you will become more fertile. No Lie. I got TWINKIES!!
2014-I was on the IUD Mirena. God says Diane let me slap you on the head and bless you with another one of my children, She really wants you to be her new mommy. Azalea! Azalea was born on April 2nd of this year! This little girl gave me a run for my money, my most painful birth. I took an epidural for all my births. The medicine just didn't kick in!! If I knew how this felt I would of stopped at one! Nahh. This little girl has the blackest full head of hair! Gorgeous. My lil sister Patty says it's her baby! We all do!!
I haven't mentioned the father of the children yet. The father of the 2 oldest children is Big Ben. He is to this day my best friend and biggest supporter. The "Other" one- the father of the last three is just a person who lives two blocks over and ignores our existence. Trust and believe I filed for child support-- It trickles in hardly.. He knows he owes. Like diapers fall out of the sky!! Let me stop... Just did a paternity test 2 weeks ago for Azalea-- We'll see.I now it his! Yes- my fault-Love is Stupidly Blind!
I must go to sleep. This house is go go go at 6 am.
2003-My son followed 7 years later, he who was born with diaphragmatic hernia (a congenital birth defect) http://www.cherubs-cdh.org/. My mom says he was born that way because I was morbidly obese when I gave birth. Okay I know you wanna know-- I was 320 lbs at that point-- My highest was 350lbs, My son was given a 20% chance of survival. My little Ben- As I reflect I honestly have never felt so much internal pain in my life-- my heart was just full of throbbing pain, it was to much to even breathe. The tears-- oh the tears. I tried to live at Childrens' Mercy Hospital, www.childrensmercy.org but I had Marissa to take care of too! It was hard. Any mom familiar with the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) knows the pain!!
2011-I was done- I was super chubby and done. NOPE God had other plans! I had twins 9 years later! Belecia and Vincent (AKA Belle and Pappas). Talk about a surprise! I had Gastric Bypass Surgery in 2008. YEAH. I had lost nearly 100 lbs and I bled for 2 years straight I had huge fibroid tumors and I knew I was closed for business. They warned me--you will become more fertile. No Lie. I got TWINKIES!!
2014-I was on the IUD Mirena. God says Diane let me slap you on the head and bless you with another one of my children, She really wants you to be her new mommy. Azalea! Azalea was born on April 2nd of this year! This little girl gave me a run for my money, my most painful birth. I took an epidural for all my births. The medicine just didn't kick in!! If I knew how this felt I would of stopped at one! Nahh. This little girl has the blackest full head of hair! Gorgeous. My lil sister Patty says it's her baby! We all do!!
I haven't mentioned the father of the children yet. The father of the 2 oldest children is Big Ben. He is to this day my best friend and biggest supporter. The "Other" one- the father of the last three is just a person who lives two blocks over and ignores our existence. Trust and believe I filed for child support-- It trickles in hardly.. He knows he owes. Like diapers fall out of the sky!! Let me stop... Just did a paternity test 2 weeks ago for Azalea-- We'll see.I now it his! Yes- my fault-Love is Stupidly Blind!
I must go to sleep. This house is go go go at 6 am.
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Introduction Of Diane
Hi, My Name is Diane. I am a single mother of 5. I have to say beautiful, adorable and smart don't I? Well they are! My oldest is soon to be 18 and my youngest is 4 months. I am a 37 year old woman, and I have decided to create a blog to vent my feelings and share my life experiences.
As I sat alone surrounded by snacking children in a home that I created on no income, I haven't worked in 8 years. I looked at my life and all the choices that I made to be here in this moment, and I have failed myself, my children and my family.
In this lil corner of the blogworld, I want to talk about being an unemployed single mom, living in a chaotic alcoholic home, being in abusive relationship(s), my struggles with close family and friends who have committed suicide, my own downward spiral into alcohol and my struggles with weight, depression and anxiety.
I plan on posting every other day! Tomorrow I am going to introduce to my children! I gotta go for now I have to catch some sleep. Good Night.
As I sat alone surrounded by snacking children in a home that I created on no income, I haven't worked in 8 years. I looked at my life and all the choices that I made to be here in this moment, and I have failed myself, my children and my family.
In this lil corner of the blogworld, I want to talk about being an unemployed single mom, living in a chaotic alcoholic home, being in abusive relationship(s), my struggles with close family and friends who have committed suicide, my own downward spiral into alcohol and my struggles with weight, depression and anxiety.
I plan on posting every other day! Tomorrow I am going to introduce to my children! I gotta go for now I have to catch some sleep. Good Night.
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