So much has happened this week. God this week needs to end. I just wanna close my eyes and have someone wake me when it's all over! I am so depressed right now. I stop myself from crying because I don't want this kids to see mommy cry.
I got my paternity results back Monday and the twins dad is not Azalea's dad (Paco). I'm hella glad because he doesn't pay his child support and he's seen them maybe 10 times their whole lives even though he lives two blocks over.
I was drinking heavily then and I was two other guys in that two week time frame. I have contacted both possible fathers and have then scheduled for DNA test. The Mexican guy has a great family and he seems sincere about the situation. The White guy (Methie) I so hope its not his.
Methie came to the house today. I was shaking all over and I couldn't speak. I hesitated a couple of minutes before I answered the door. I had Azalea in my arms and I barely cracked the door and he says "Where do I go to get a paternity test done at?" I said these words to him and these word only " I sent the paperwork to your grandma house". I shut the door softly, put the twins in their bed for nap time and went to the kitchen and just cried and cried and cried. I didn't look at him in the face, I couldn't he did look thinner though. I have been asking myself why my body would have that reaction and I only have one answer. I love him still. I know that I shouldn't and that's he awful for what he did to me and my kids. No, I would never take him back but. I love him still, It still hurts alot. I'm not over him. It's been over a month. I'm working on it. I cried all over my hot boxed cigarette. I hate for what he did to me. I hate that he thinks that he can show up unannounced at my house. Luckily, the twins didn't recognize him at all!!
How did Methie know about the paternity results you ask... PACO--see the next, next paragraph down.
So the other guy. I hope it him so much. I never wanted something so bad. if he's the father then I believe all my prayers will be answered. I know it will all work out but it just seems so hopeless right now. I've been through alot worse of emotional times. I'm tired of being strong. I just wanna collapse.
Did I mention that Paco is just telling the world like the dick he is, that he's not the father. Ok asshole, you also need to tell people you haven't paid your child support in 4 months!!
Thw whole Pco/Methie is a whole different issue I might address later!!
I was tellin Big Ben. I just can't have any man around. It's not fair to the other kids since Paco doesn't want to be an active participant in his kids lives. If this Mexican steps up and wants to be active in Azalea's life, I don't know if I'd let him. I'm not goin there right now. We both know if Methie is he isn't going to come around and hurt us again! NOPE!
I'm take a bath and wathc the Chiefs lose!
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