It's Too Much!!

Exhausted..goin to rest...

Whose the Daddy?

I got my paternity results back from the baby today.  The twins dad is not Azalea's dad. I am glad because he is such a deadbeat and true asshole.  I cried because I was so sure, I cried because maybe Azalea's real dad might be a true man and help us. That two week window that I got pregnant was crazy. I was drinking pretty heavily.  I contacted a potential father today and he said he had a vasectomy four years ago. I don't believe him, he'll be getting papers soon. The other guy, I have no clue where he is at. I'm working on it tho.

I told Azalea today, I might not know who your daddy is but your mommy is the best. She smiled and I hugged her and quietly sobbed for a moment.

It's really hard playing this strong role.  I stop myself from crying alot but sometimes, like now, it's my time of the month and i just gotta let it go.

I have been wanting to get into other subjects on the blog. But, I am scared that my emotions will take over and then I'll just be a shell of a woman going through the functions of life and potentially relapse.

I'm gonna go pamper myself. I splurged and bought a $4.00 box of hair dye. My hair is falling out excessively and the darker it is the less noticeable it is!! I'm gonna dye my hair, then I'm gonna snuggle in bed with my Azalea and watch a movie in bed. Yep!! G Night!

As I Lay Me Down To Sleep

As I lay me down to sleep... The prayers that I remember growing up in a Catholic home. I have recently started to pray alot more lately.  I have prayed on and off my whole life but when I have hit the bottom as I have now financially I pray.  I pray that I find childcare, employment, and adequate housing to raise my children. I rely soley on my mom right now to pay my bills since the father of all the babies helps me with absolutely nothing.

I saw Justin (Methie) drive by my house today and when big Ben came to pick-up lil Ben he told me that his prostitute mothers car is parked at the dope house.  Its a shame.  I try and stay busy, but the loneliness creeps in and I just want or crave attention. My birthday is next week and I wonder, does he remember the plans we made, does he even care a shred?  How can men be like that? Yes, I am an emotional needy, clingy and  woman, but in the same breathe I was also a great homemaker and woman.

I know that no one wants me to get into another relationship anytime soon, but  I can't stop thinking about if there really is someone out there for me. Is there a man out there willing to accept all my flaws plus my beautiful children and if there isn't I guess no man is really good enough to have us as his family huh.  I tend to think negative then flip to positivity I have to or I'd be laying on the floor crying right now!!

Who know my future. But the uncertainty of if my bills will be paid, or If I have to take my family to a homeless shelter scares me to death. I feel like I can't fix this situation fast enough.  I feel hopeless and miserable.

How do people get through life like this?  I know that there are people out there in far worse situations. I just need to pray right!  Tomorrow is another day and who knows what it'll bring.

I Have a long day tomorrow. I am going tot eh utility company and try and make payment arrangements and apply for ow income housing. My life will get better!!!

Its' a Different House

It's a different house when little Ben comes over.  It's all about him and he takes total advantage of it.  He picks his menu like I am a  restaurant for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I know what he likes so like any mother you have it on hand at request. I love that I think, he thinks about what he wants.  He walks in the door, takes of his shoes, hides his backpack from the babies and he says, "Mom, I want Italian sausage with penne noodles and a sweet pasta sauce, with garlic breadsticks and milk". For dinner today he requested pot roasted with rice. It's simmering in the crock pot.

The twins love to see Ben. Vincent pulls at his hair and glasses and Belecia just wants to sit on his lap as he plays his Roblox game.

My oldest Marissa used to be jealous when Ben would come over, She would say that I babied him more and let him get away with everything and I do and did.  As you may have read in the "Kids" portion of the blog, he was a sick little boy.  I am so blessed to have his little bratty self around.  He has a big heart and is very caring. He asks many questions and understands alot of my complicated life better than I do sometimes. He a complete ham he makes me laugh and dances so cute.

I am so upset, I got my BPU bill (electric and water). It's $500.00. I am going to have to go up there and beg for payment arrangements. Lord, I need a job!! I'm not going to concentrate on that right now! I'll save that for when I say my prayers tonight and ask for God's help.

I have my one indulgence: my cigarettes. I smoke maybe 3 a day. I'm glad I have these! I don't even have money for them. Ben's dad Ben buys them for me.  He knows I'm constantly struggling so he helps me with stuff all the time.

Lil Ben is looking over my shoulder for this computer so I'm gonna give it up! Night! Tomorrow will be Sunday and it will just be me and a house full of babies again. I wanna get into some deep stuff tomorrow!

I Got Little Ben for the Weekend!

My post are going to be pretty limited for the next couple of days.  My son will come and rule the computer. He's addicted to Pokemon.  I make him takes break to eat, bathe and play with babies.  A couple of months ago I bought a little bike at the local swap and shop.  He won't even ride it around the block.We live across the street from a park and now he's kickn me off.. Till tomorrow~~

Another day in my depressing life...

I thought long and hard about what I wanted to talk about today and nothing is popping out of me!  I let the depression sink in a little more today.  I just let the day take its course. I look out the window and cater to the children.

I've been thinking about "relations" lately. I wanna have sex but I don't want all the lovey dovey shit afterwards. FOREAL. Nah I'm talking shit.  I know that I am getting older because, I'm just not all about the sex anymore. Not like I was a skinny thing, I never was and never will be. I just had men. They just kind of flocked to me. I don't have those options anymore.  Trust me these guys are all scummy. You know the guys, they have no money, no job, no car. Losers.  Ugh. I am not taking care of them type of dudes no more. Smoking all my cigarettes! A pack of cigarettes last me two weeks, these dudes smoke my shit up in a day!! Fuck that!! Okay okay-- I had a few good ones in that mix.  Oh Yeah I did! But I'm so over all that right now.

Remember I am trying to do right by me and my kids. No Men Allowed!

I applied for a job today. I am extremely qualified. But I am a felon. I cannot drive until 2016.  I don't have childcare. I made all these jacked up decision and have made my life extremely hard. BUS- BUS- BUS
I just pray and know that God's plan will be laid out before me and it will all make sense! And the clouds parted and the Angels sang...YEP YEP. That's what I believe.

The roaches are getting bad in the kitchen.  I am going to have to move soon.  I am looking into low income housing on the bus line!  Lord, Lord.  It's so hard being a single mother with no money.  Lord, Lord thank you for my mother to help me out!  Lord, Lord!

I have out multiple things on craigslist to sell for extra funds, No one has commented or wants my lil junk damn it. I want to at least come up with $60.00 dollars for my gas bill!

I am on color code. I have to call a phone number Monday thru Thursday and if they say my color I have to drop a drug test. I have been sober a year on August 31st.  Last August I got drunk and smoked a couple of blunts!  This birthday will be a sober one. I am excited for it because if I haven't relapsed yet because of stupid Methie then, I can really uphold my no alcohol and drugs sobriety.  Go Diane! Go Diane! I am really proud of myself and I don't need recognition from my family I want it but I don't get it!!


Okay I'm super sleepy, Night~

Today was an emotional day for me! What else is new!

I woke up this morning laughing and crying at the same time. The pain and the grief. The loss of finally feeling that love again, all gone in a matter of hours. All that build-up all the compromise, and struggles.

In July of 2013, I met Justin as I smoked a cigarette on my back porch as the twins were sleeping.  We had an instant connection.  He was 16 year younger than me but he was very mature for his age. He just got out a jail 2 weeks before I met him. I don't judge people I get to know them, then I make my decisions based on their actions.

He lived five blocks over from me and stopped by to visit quite often. After months of endless visits, he started to spend the night, he was fixing stuff around the house, mowing the lawn, and playing with the 8 month old babies at that time. He was becoming valuable to me and my life.

One day his prostitute mother comes by with some of his clothes, then more the next day,  I said "Justin, did you just move in?" He said I think I am and or I did, at this point we wasn't even going home anyway.

August- I found out I was pregnant. I told Justin that the father was Paco's (the twins' dad). He said ok.  He stayed. He was a complete asset throughout my whole pregnancy. Not only was I falling in love with him all the kids adored him.  My oldest Marissa said "Mom, he doesn't yell at you, and he doesn't even hit you". My son Ben said, "Mom, he likes Pokemon, keep him ".  The twins adored their DaDa.

He really didn't work that much at the beginning.  He really only started working the last 5 months of our relationship.

I was 6 months pregnant when I found a meth pipe. I knew he was a former smoker but promised me he'd never touch it again.  I cried and he left for work. That morning he came home and was extremely apologetic and again promised to never touch it again. I forgave him. We all make mistakes. Anyways, I was  his family, we were all he really had.

I gave birth to Azalea about 3 months later and he was so good to me. Never left my side the whole time I was in the hospital and he held Azalea like it was his little girl (I'm tearing up right now).

Azalea was 3 months old and he was having a stressful times in his life. He younger brother was doing meth hardcore, he found out his prostitute mom was shooting heroin and  his grandmother needed help with her bills and he was feeling overwhelmed. I could see it building up in him. He didn't want to talk about it tho.

I tried I am the most positive and supportive person. I told him we'd figure it out. We can only help those who want it and Grandma needs it the most. Can't really help the dopeheads.

Well it was a Wednesday and he was home early from work and was sipping on a bottle of gin and he got on the bed and began watching Netflix with me.  I happen to look over and his pupils were so dilated. I said, "Justin, the eyes don't lie". I got up, grabbed a pillow and sheet and went to sleep on the couch.

I laid there hurt. I lit a cigarette and he followed to also smoke a cigarette. After many minutes of silence he says, "Diane I smoked meth and took some Triple C's".  My mind rolodexed back 6 years ago when I was in a relationship with a man who at the end of our rocky 5 years started doing meth. I told myself never again will I let that drug near me or my children and here I was. Why? So I flipped. I said I can't have you around me or my children in my house, leave.

He took off walking to the dopeman's house 2 blocks over. I couldn't sleep and texted him all night till morning with no response.  He shows up at the house around 10 a.m. and calls the police on me for pulling his shirt. I just wanted to talk.  I went to jail.

I'm in jail. I have to do 6 hours. Pssshhh. That's nothin. The 2nd hour into it the deputies call me over and tell me that my kids are in protective custody who do I need to call.  I have them call my mom.  Okay, so now the 4 hours I have left are dragging.  My kids... how could he do that... Azalea's a  breast fed baby... are the twins hungry...they don't like stranger's. I am royally upset. This is an unforgettable act.  I was more than likely gonna forgive him for the drugs. Not now nope. un-uhh.

I got out and my mom and babies were waiting for me and all I could do was cry. I said mom, "I didn't do anything this time",  I couldn't go home for 72 hours and have no contact with Justin,  My mom wasn't having that. That was my house, all my belongings and the babies home.  My mom, my step-father, my aunt and my cousin converged on my house and urged him to leave, get his things and just leave. He did. He couldn't even look at me. The twins were yelling Dada from the car- he didn't even flinch their way.

I found out after he left- He didn't pay my rent for the past two months or the any of the utilities.  I think he was planning this.. I don't know. I know he's hungry and has to feel bad.. I mean he walked out on his family of a year.

So this was all a month ago today.

We had court today. I don't know if he showed up or not. I told an awesome lawyer my story as I have told you and he took it for free. He continued it for next month. I woke up laughing at him at the thought that he might be at 8 am court looking for my beautiful,  best-thing-he-ever-had-self.  The the tears came cause I can't believe people do this to people.

So it's been an emotional day for me.  I truly believe that things could of went off worse. He could of hurt me or the kids and he could stole what little things I have.

I was upset and still am about the whole situation but I also know that God puts people in your life when you need them and God says It was time to let him go and I am just wise enough know to have made that decision and say bye bye to METHIE!!

I feel good.. How do you feel today???

 Lesson Learned: Have you own money pay your own bills and stop relying on other people for financial and emotional support!!

This was us: