Friday, November 21, 2014
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
SUICIDE
The subject of suicide to me is very near and dear to my family. So many unanswered questions. The woulda, coulda and shoulda's come into play.
I stalked his girlfriend for years!! I slashed all her tires multiple times, vandalized her trailer home and prayed that she would get what's coming to her. She did. She died of cancer a couple of years ago. I was very happy that day!!
This was hard for me.. I need to prayers and sleep time now! Good night!
I lost many people I love in this order:
Damian Edward Flores-2003
Richard Lee LeDesma-2003
Wayne Wilbur Myers-2007
Joseph Zaragoza-2013
Frank Zaragoza-2014
Damian was my first cousin. He was the best cousin to me because we were the closest in age. Inseparable at family parties. He was always fun to be around. He thought I was funny. He had an amazing smile and style! Damian was just a free spirit and it wasn't his time to go!
Damian decided to jump off the Heart of America bridge one late October night. I was with my sick son Lil Ben at Childrens' Mercy Hospital, when my mom called me with the news. He was missing for 2 days, his body washed up in Mexico City, Missouri. I remember going to the river and just yelling his name as loud as I could. I was overwhelmed and stressed with all these life changing events happening to me.
I still really don't know the whole story on how he died, or reasons why he chose to take his life. My family has not been the same since his death. People not talking to people. Grudges still held. Complicatedly weird.
If wanna read his obit and see more of cuz click below:
My Father's death is a story I will get pretty detailed in telling. I was a week into bringing my son home and settling in for the night. My phone rang. It was my dad he was drunk and arguing with his girlfriend. He asked me to come and get him and I wasn't leaving. My son was new to his home. He kept calling and I was trying to calm both him and his girlfriend down. I remember a lot of yelling then I heard, "Your dad has my gun"'. I said, "What" and I said it over and over, and over again. Then I heard the gun shot. I hear his girlfriend say, "You dad shot himself in the head", I yelled call 911 and hung up. I then called the police and told them what had happened, I then called Big Ben and told him to come home immediately and watch the kids my dad was shot. I then called my mom then my sister, I told them to meet me at KU Hospital. I was dressed waiting for Ben then I took off. My mom sisters and I all arrived at the same time. My older sister came the furthest from Independence, Missouri so she musta flew.
His girlfriend was there at the hospital crying. We couldn't even look at her. I saw the ambulance come in with my dad on the gurney. There was so much blood and he was so swollen. They took him to ICU and we waited. I was telling myself he's still breathing he'll be fine. He wasn't. He had no brain activity. My moms family took on the responsibility to call my dad side of the family, I called just one person, my dad little sister Aunt Liz. She called many, many others early that morning. That ICU waiting room was packed with family members as my mom sisters and I decided to take him off life support. We surrounded him him and they disconnected the machine that was breathing for him.
We just cried. I remember leaving his room and just collapsing in the hallway and crying.
Earlier that morning the police came and got my statement and the girlfriends and deemed it a suicide. I felt differently tho. The cops said he put the gun behind his ear and shot himself and that didn't seem right to me. He said nothing to me while we were talking about wanting to kill himself. It's all a memory I choose to forget.
We were planning his 50th birthday that next week.
I think the mix of alcohol and depression is a good "suicide" combo. I believed for years that his girlfriend killed him and I've let that go some, but I just can't accept the fact that my dad might of did this too himself.
It'll be 11 years this year and I miss my father so much. I know my life would of been extremely different he he was still with us. My mom and sister don't really understand the gravity of guilt that I have over this situation. I live with it everyday and I know that's why I liked to numb myself with alcohol and drugs. I am in a better place now trying to forgive myself and I now that God has a plan. Just traumatized by that fucking phone call!!
His girlfriend was there at the hospital crying. We couldn't even look at her. I saw the ambulance come in with my dad on the gurney. There was so much blood and he was so swollen. They took him to ICU and we waited. I was telling myself he's still breathing he'll be fine. He wasn't. He had no brain activity. My moms family took on the responsibility to call my dad side of the family, I called just one person, my dad little sister Aunt Liz. She called many, many others early that morning. That ICU waiting room was packed with family members as my mom sisters and I decided to take him off life support. We surrounded him him and they disconnected the machine that was breathing for him.
We just cried. I remember leaving his room and just collapsing in the hallway and crying.
Earlier that morning the police came and got my statement and the girlfriends and deemed it a suicide. I felt differently tho. The cops said he put the gun behind his ear and shot himself and that didn't seem right to me. He said nothing to me while we were talking about wanting to kill himself. It's all a memory I choose to forget.
We were planning his 50th birthday that next week.
I think the mix of alcohol and depression is a good "suicide" combo. I believed for years that his girlfriend killed him and I've let that go some, but I just can't accept the fact that my dad might of did this too himself.
It'll be 11 years this year and I miss my father so much. I know my life would of been extremely different he he was still with us. My mom and sister don't really understand the gravity of guilt that I have over this situation. I live with it everyday and I know that's why I liked to numb myself with alcohol and drugs. I am in a better place now trying to forgive myself and I now that God has a plan. Just traumatized by that fucking phone call!!
I stalked his girlfriend for years!! I slashed all her tires multiple times, vandalized her trailer home and prayed that she would get what's coming to her. She did. She died of cancer a couple of years ago. I was very happy that day!!
Wayne is my Big Ben's older brother. Wayne was intoxicated one September evening and hit a support beam under a bridge, while driving pretty fast. I believe he was thrown from the car and died instantly. He was in Wichita then. His whole family including Ben and I drove up there. That 4 hour drive was really hard. I just felt so awful for Ben. He was tight with his brother. We were very close and had a great friendship, I was funeral directing then and I took his death as my personal responsibility to Big Ben to give him the best funeral possible!! I did too!
Joe was my dad's best friend and after his passing we became best friends. We were always drinkn together! I was 9 months pregnant and saw him the morning he died. We were best friends till his last breathe. I donated my burial spot to him so he could be next to my dad! They buried him to the minute that I gave birth to my twins!! I knew he was in the ground because the lights flickered in the operating room! Just lettn me know that he was ok! Joe's liver began to fail due to his alcoholism.
Frank was Joe's twin brother. He died one year and one month to the day. He died from alcoholism as well. Aspirated on himself while intoxicated.
If you know someone that is struggling with life. STOP and ask questions and be as supportive as you can Because you never know. You could be saving someones life!!
Feeling sad, depressed, talk to someone, anyone, Message me!! I like to talk or please call 1-800-273-8255
This is a great website:
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Feeling sad, depressed, talk to someone, anyone, Message me!! I like to talk or please call 1-800-273-8255
This is a great website:
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
This was hard for me.. I need to prayers and sleep time now! Good night!
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Nothing exciting today!
I couldn't sleep at all last night.
I did get my meds today. Previously, I was diagnosed as a having major depressive order and anxiety. Today I am just anxiety ridden with a hint of depression. I guess. I think I'm hella depressed tho. So anyways. I got meds! Let's see how I feel in two weeks.
My friend that I made out with Saturday just left. We talked for about 2 hours and as he was leaving I went in for a hug and I think he tried to kiss me! How cute!
Imma smoke a cig and call it a night! I am working on my suicide post for tomorrow. It's a couple days in progress. Lots of pics and stories.
Night!
I did get my meds today. Previously, I was diagnosed as a having major depressive order and anxiety. Today I am just anxiety ridden with a hint of depression. I guess. I think I'm hella depressed tho. So anyways. I got meds! Let's see how I feel in two weeks.
My friend that I made out with Saturday just left. We talked for about 2 hours and as he was leaving I went in for a hug and I think he tried to kiss me! How cute!
Imma smoke a cig and call it a night! I am working on my suicide post for tomorrow. It's a couple days in progress. Lots of pics and stories.
Night!
Monday, September 1, 2014
Nothin Today!
Nothing really exciting today. Except for not having power for like 6 hours!! Tomorrow, I wanna talk about suicide. My Faux brother-n-law dies Sept 7th and It's a good time to share I think.
I have a pretty busy day tomorrow. No probation officer visit just drug class from 9-11 then a Psyche visit!! I'm get medicated!! LEGALLY!!!!
So until tomorrow. Night!!
I have a pretty busy day tomorrow. No probation officer visit just drug class from 9-11 then a Psyche visit!! I'm get medicated!! LEGALLY!!!!
So until tomorrow. Night!!
Sunday, August 31, 2014
Today is my Birthday!
I turned 38 today. I kept it sober too! One of my friends that I have liked for a lot of years came over. We made out!! I have little lovebites on my neck.. hehehe. He makes me happy. I know. I'm not getting into a relationship or nothing just made out. I like kissing someone that knows how to kiss. I haven't had passion in a relationship since Big Ben. So I am happy today.
I had no idea that I was going to be alone on my bday. I was supposed to be celebrating with Justin.. Yes I still think about his Methie dumbass.
Yesterday, Baby Daddy Paco came by and brought me some cigs and we loaded up all the kids and went to the cemetery to see my dad! It's my little tradition I do. I said my prayers and left.
Today My Mom and aunt Jeanette came over and brought me my Birthday Lunch-- I wanted that Pretzel burger from Wendy's it was fire.They brought over a cake and ice cream too. I got emotional because as fucked up as I used to be I don't think I deserve anything!!
My mom and my lil sis bought me a microwave and a pair of earrings and Aunt Jeanette made a half payment on my utility bill!! YEAH!!
I'm going to get in bed with Azalea and watch a movie... Good night!!
I had no idea that I was going to be alone on my bday. I was supposed to be celebrating with Justin.. Yes I still think about his Methie dumbass.
Yesterday, Baby Daddy Paco came by and brought me some cigs and we loaded up all the kids and went to the cemetery to see my dad! It's my little tradition I do. I said my prayers and left.
Today My Mom and aunt Jeanette came over and brought me my Birthday Lunch-- I wanted that Pretzel burger from Wendy's it was fire.They brought over a cake and ice cream too. I got emotional because as fucked up as I used to be I don't think I deserve anything!!
My mom and my lil sis bought me a microwave and a pair of earrings and Aunt Jeanette made a half payment on my utility bill!! YEAH!!
I'm going to get in bed with Azalea and watch a movie... Good night!!
Thursday, August 28, 2014
So I have sunk..
So much has happened this week. God this week needs to end. I just wanna close my eyes and have someone wake me when it's all over! I am so depressed right now. I stop myself from crying because I don't want this kids to see mommy cry.
I got my paternity results back Monday and the twins dad is not Azalea's dad (Paco). I'm hella glad because he doesn't pay his child support and he's seen them maybe 10 times their whole lives even though he lives two blocks over.
I was drinking heavily then and I was two other guys in that two week time frame. I have contacted both possible fathers and have then scheduled for DNA test. The Mexican guy has a great family and he seems sincere about the situation. The White guy (Methie) I so hope its not his.
Methie came to the house today. I was shaking all over and I couldn't speak. I hesitated a couple of minutes before I answered the door. I had Azalea in my arms and I barely cracked the door and he says "Where do I go to get a paternity test done at?" I said these words to him and these word only " I sent the paperwork to your grandma house". I shut the door softly, put the twins in their bed for nap time and went to the kitchen and just cried and cried and cried. I didn't look at him in the face, I couldn't he did look thinner though. I have been asking myself why my body would have that reaction and I only have one answer. I love him still. I know that I shouldn't and that's he awful for what he did to me and my kids. No, I would never take him back but. I love him still, It still hurts alot. I'm not over him. It's been over a month. I'm working on it. I cried all over my hot boxed cigarette. I hate for what he did to me. I hate that he thinks that he can show up unannounced at my house. Luckily, the twins didn't recognize him at all!!
How did Methie know about the paternity results you ask... PACO--see the next, next paragraph down.
So the other guy. I hope it him so much. I never wanted something so bad. if he's the father then I believe all my prayers will be answered. I know it will all work out but it just seems so hopeless right now. I've been through alot worse of emotional times. I'm tired of being strong. I just wanna collapse.
Did I mention that Paco is just telling the world like the dick he is, that he's not the father. Ok asshole, you also need to tell people you haven't paid your child support in 4 months!!
Thw whole Pco/Methie is a whole different issue I might address later!!
I was tellin Big Ben. I just can't have any man around. It's not fair to the other kids since Paco doesn't want to be an active participant in his kids lives. If this Mexican steps up and wants to be active in Azalea's life, I don't know if I'd let him. I'm not goin there right now. We both know if Methie is he isn't going to come around and hurt us again! NOPE!
I'm take a bath and wathc the Chiefs lose!
I got my paternity results back Monday and the twins dad is not Azalea's dad (Paco). I'm hella glad because he doesn't pay his child support and he's seen them maybe 10 times their whole lives even though he lives two blocks over.
I was drinking heavily then and I was two other guys in that two week time frame. I have contacted both possible fathers and have then scheduled for DNA test. The Mexican guy has a great family and he seems sincere about the situation. The White guy (Methie) I so hope its not his.
Methie came to the house today. I was shaking all over and I couldn't speak. I hesitated a couple of minutes before I answered the door. I had Azalea in my arms and I barely cracked the door and he says "Where do I go to get a paternity test done at?" I said these words to him and these word only " I sent the paperwork to your grandma house". I shut the door softly, put the twins in their bed for nap time and went to the kitchen and just cried and cried and cried. I didn't look at him in the face, I couldn't he did look thinner though. I have been asking myself why my body would have that reaction and I only have one answer. I love him still. I know that I shouldn't and that's he awful for what he did to me and my kids. No, I would never take him back but. I love him still, It still hurts alot. I'm not over him. It's been over a month. I'm working on it. I cried all over my hot boxed cigarette. I hate for what he did to me. I hate that he thinks that he can show up unannounced at my house. Luckily, the twins didn't recognize him at all!!
How did Methie know about the paternity results you ask... PACO--see the next, next paragraph down.
So the other guy. I hope it him so much. I never wanted something so bad. if he's the father then I believe all my prayers will be answered. I know it will all work out but it just seems so hopeless right now. I've been through alot worse of emotional times. I'm tired of being strong. I just wanna collapse.
Did I mention that Paco is just telling the world like the dick he is, that he's not the father. Ok asshole, you also need to tell people you haven't paid your child support in 4 months!!
Thw whole Pco/Methie is a whole different issue I might address later!!
I was tellin Big Ben. I just can't have any man around. It's not fair to the other kids since Paco doesn't want to be an active participant in his kids lives. If this Mexican steps up and wants to be active in Azalea's life, I don't know if I'd let him. I'm not goin there right now. We both know if Methie is he isn't going to come around and hurt us again! NOPE!
I'm take a bath and wathc the Chiefs lose!
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
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